Failure

What exactly does that word mean? I have been analyzing that word a lot lately. There are a lot of areas I have worked so HARD to make work, family, children, friendships, serving and loving the Lord with my whole heart...
The conclusion I have come to today, and keep in mind these are just my thoughts and the scriptures, well, It's what God says so I won't argue His thoughts.
I feel as though this past week I have been carrying around all my failures in a box inside my stomach. My oldest moved out for the summer. He says he's coming back in September. We'll see. I don't think he'll want to. Although, he is welcome. I have so many things I want to go back and do differently but when I really really think about it, I wouldn't change the things I did. Not because I was the "perfect" mom, by no means. I did what I could and I prayed like crazy. There's that scripture Train a child in the way they should go...
Then there's the part about the extended "family" Oh, you know, the ones you see once maybe twice a year and they are always quick to point out all the things you're doing wrong. They are well meaning but it hurts. Like us mom's don't already have ENOUGH guilt. Now what's that other verse, oh yes----There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
You do the best you can with what the Lord equips you with. Nothing more nothing less.
I may not be handling the loss of my two almost "legally" adopted children the "expected" "normal" way. I may not be handling step one of Empty Nest Syndrome, normally----Hey I am still in my 30's and yes want more children! But, WHO get's to define NORMAL for me? WHO? No one but God. He formed ME in my mother's womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So I took a couple days to regroup, and? I didn't go to the "SELF HELP" section of Barnes and Noble to buy a book from the women's self help section entitled something like "How to put your needs first" or "make YOUR life priority number one" or "If you don't take care of yourself, who will?"
By the way, NO these are not real books. Instead of the local book store I went straight to my Bible and to the Lord. He and I alone together, just me and my heavenly father. He showed me that I am not the only one to handle grief "abnormally" as some of you are saying and not everyone "handles" it the same. Some of you accusers might want to look up David. He is in the Old Testament. Read Psalms. Wow. There's a man of God who suffered huh? He grieved so much he asked the Lord to take his very life.
Hey, I am not saying I have suffered like David or Job but I sure have felt like the weight was too heavy to bear these last few days. I clearly and concisely spelled it out to the one closest to me and was not believed. So I have a shell and I come across as a strong person. I am only strong because of the Lord. BUT, HE brought me to my breaking point so that HE COULD REBUILD me the way HE wants me to be! For two days I have sung His praises in spite of these horrible circumstances. HE loves me and that is ALL that matters. He poured His life out for mine. I can do no less! I will do no less.
I will wake up every morning with fresh mercies from above. I will learn to let go and let God. All I ever wanted to do was serve Him and He will make my paths straight and Lead me.
Psalm 89:1"I will sing of the mercy and loving-kindness of the Lord forever; with my mouth will I make known Your faithfulness from generation to generation."
One of my favorite Christian artists right now is Francesca Battistelli. I love this Song called
"My Paper Heart"
Here are the lyrics:
My Paper Heart:
Well I’ve been treated like a valentine
That’s been ripped apart and left behind
I’m a fragile girl
In a crazy careless world
My dreams were torn and scattered on the floor
But You’ve been picking up the pieces, Lord
‘Cause Your love is real
The only hope to heal

My paper heart is Yours now
I have landed in Your hands
Come so far to find out
My life will never be the same
Since you wrote Your name
On my paper heart

I had been so terrified to trust
So many times I’d been reduced to dust
But You keep showing me
You’re the safest place to be
Never knew that I could feel the way I feel
Never knew that there could be a love so real
Never knew that I could feel the way I feel right now

Notice it says "my dreams were scattered..." Oh wow, "My Dreams?" So here I sit typing trying to figure out what My Father's dreams for me are? I want to serve Him. What now Lord? I love you so much. What will you have me do? I am here. I know and feel your love. I am willing. Send me or keep me here----I am your child not my own.

I leave you with a quote from a book my dear friend Ann gave me to read. It's called "A Path through Suffering" by Elisabeth Elliot. She says:
"When Satan the accuser scorns that act of renunciation later and taunts---------"Hypocrite! You didn't mean it! You never really put yourself at HIS disposal or parted company with us at all!"-----------RUN to the foot of the Cross, our safe shelter and abiding place."