Today

Today, the team I am on is leaving for West Africa (Liberia). My family and I will not be on that plane. Funny-odd-funny, I put on a shirt this morning from a dear friend in South Africa. It says "It is Finished!" at the top and then quotes Rev. 21:6-7. Incidentally my daughter is wearing my "Hope in the Dark" Tee shirt. It has a picture of Africa on it and on the back it says "I will not leave you as orphans. I will come to you." Symbolic of this day? Sure. We all have to push through our own hurt and bitterness and pray our team through this trip. it is going to be a turning point trip for so many even the ones who had to stay behind. So while I fight my tears and wish once again the pain was not so bad and that I had a button to stop the hurt, I am choosing to push through and pray. The spiritual warfare over Liberia is so intense. It's so intense it even affects people who are involved with that country that haven't even been there---yet.
So while I think of letting Musu down and our children Lydia and Leo down and our team-mates down, I also think we serve a mighty God who can do all things. I do not think of this as a closed door---I think of it as God flinging it WIDE open and saying come follow me. What if, say, Moses after only one visit with pharaoh said, "well that was a closed door---not going back. See God he said no." Door closed. What if Joseph did the same thing???? Get the picture? God's people simply have to persevere. We must heed the call to care for the Orphan. It is the Father's heart. As Christians we are to become more like our Father. Pure religion is to care for the orphans...
So will you pray with me today? We need peace. We need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start digging our heels in and start praying for our team. Time to dust off the ashes and kick satan in the butt. Time to go to war!!!!!!! Let's pray. Will you do it now?

Our Trip to Liberia

Dear Friends and Family,

Adrian has asked me to take on the “task” of writing this letter. I have put it off and now just want to get it over with. While the flight we have tickets for to Liberia is leaving on June 17th the Carr family will NOT be on it. For many reasons we had to cancel. Yes, God provided what we needed to get there however my husband thinks it would be unwise to go at this time.
We are not ready to share everything yet. At least I (Ami) am not. We just need some time to heal and regroup. To those of you who contributed financially your checks will be torn up. If for some reason one was cashed please let us know. We will be glad to reimburse you.
Thank you for your prayers at this most difficult time in our lives.
Sincerely,
Ami and Adrian (Rachel and Johnny)
PS I know that many of you still have many unanswered questions about our adoption. I will get to those questions as soon as I am able. It's too raw right now. In the meantime we are doing our best to serve three blessings from foster care. We think we will be seeing a reunification VERY soon...PRAISE THE LORD for HE is SO WORTHY to be praised!
pss Rachel and I have felt called to make recycled paper beads and sell them to help people in need around us. If you would like to help support a single mom about to give birth please click here: http://helpushelpchildren.blogspot.com/2010/06/pro-life.html
AND REMEMBER OUR MANTRA IS "JUST BECAUSE IT IS HARD DOES NOT MEAN IT ISN'T THE LORDS WILL"

Shopping

And Other thoughts.
Okay so my family (daughter) has been pleading with me of late to buy some new clothes. I kept telling her "no, I don't need them" So then my husband starts backing her up. What's a girl to do? I used to live to shop. That was in my younger days---MUCH younger days---we're talking 80's Early 90's folks...
So I dragged myself out of bed yesterday got my sleeping daughter up and headed to Old Navy for the $2.00 tank tops. I couldn't justify buying any for myself. Hey. Rachel wears the same size as me, we'll share.
After a shopping spree at "Old Navy" that cost less than $10 we headed over to the Mall, JC Penney's to be exact. I was armed with two $10 off coupons ($20 in savings) plus a %15 off coupon and then found another coupon upon checkout. My receipt says I saved $268!!!!!! No, I did not even come close to spending that amount. I am the SCROOGE of the shopping world. I am not gonna spend more than $10 on a pair of shorts and I prefer not to go over $5 on a shirt...
Let's get back to the WHY did I need to shop? Ugh! My excuse was there are plenty of people out there that don't have clothing that looks nice or fits correctly but are still modest, right? Well I have recently, unintentionally mind you, lost close to 40 pounds which means even my ,ahem, most essentials no longer fit. I guess since I live in America you could say I "needed" clothes. Oh there's that word "need" Well when the belt I was using to hold up the pants/shorts I owned was being wrapped around my waist twice I decided to give in. I went to Penney's. No luck in women's or misses. NOTHING fit. The sales lady kept ushering me to Juniors. That was the LAST place I wanted to go but the first place my daughter wanted to be without me trying on clothing in "her" department. After an appointment in Maryville last week I took my daughter to Rue 21. I picked up a dress to try on and to her horror it actually looked good and I bought it along with a pair of jeans that were $3.
So guess where I ended up yesterday? Yup, Juniors. (the old lady!)
I even got a shirt that was marked $38 for $4.10. So I think now I am set for the dog days of summer. Let's just not talk about the fall/winter clothing yet. At this rate "I'll be back in the Kids department!"
Getting back to that whole living in America thing. I couldn't be more thankful for where God decided I would be born. We are so richly blessed by His kindness in the way of provision: food, clothing, shelter. It saddens me when I hear people complain. Oh it really breaks my heart. The other day I heard a child say "Oh man, I have to eat FRESH blueberries? I WANTED frozen ones" Where else but in America? We are under the test of prosperity here. Even the poorest of us can still work and eat. Be thankful. Just be thankful...
Oh and my daughter and I? Let's just say we'll be sharing the same clothing department and closets for a while.
And, since you've read this far why don't you head on over to my daughter's and my blog and help a single mom with three children that is about to give birth. Be Pro-Life in action and word.
http://helpushelpchildren.blogspot.com/2010/06/pro-life.html

Failure

What exactly does that word mean? I have been analyzing that word a lot lately. There are a lot of areas I have worked so HARD to make work, family, children, friendships, serving and loving the Lord with my whole heart...
The conclusion I have come to today, and keep in mind these are just my thoughts and the scriptures, well, It's what God says so I won't argue His thoughts.
I feel as though this past week I have been carrying around all my failures in a box inside my stomach. My oldest moved out for the summer. He says he's coming back in September. We'll see. I don't think he'll want to. Although, he is welcome. I have so many things I want to go back and do differently but when I really really think about it, I wouldn't change the things I did. Not because I was the "perfect" mom, by no means. I did what I could and I prayed like crazy. There's that scripture Train a child in the way they should go...
Then there's the part about the extended "family" Oh, you know, the ones you see once maybe twice a year and they are always quick to point out all the things you're doing wrong. They are well meaning but it hurts. Like us mom's don't already have ENOUGH guilt. Now what's that other verse, oh yes----There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
You do the best you can with what the Lord equips you with. Nothing more nothing less.
I may not be handling the loss of my two almost "legally" adopted children the "expected" "normal" way. I may not be handling step one of Empty Nest Syndrome, normally----Hey I am still in my 30's and yes want more children! But, WHO get's to define NORMAL for me? WHO? No one but God. He formed ME in my mother's womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So I took a couple days to regroup, and? I didn't go to the "SELF HELP" section of Barnes and Noble to buy a book from the women's self help section entitled something like "How to put your needs first" or "make YOUR life priority number one" or "If you don't take care of yourself, who will?"
By the way, NO these are not real books. Instead of the local book store I went straight to my Bible and to the Lord. He and I alone together, just me and my heavenly father. He showed me that I am not the only one to handle grief "abnormally" as some of you are saying and not everyone "handles" it the same. Some of you accusers might want to look up David. He is in the Old Testament. Read Psalms. Wow. There's a man of God who suffered huh? He grieved so much he asked the Lord to take his very life.
Hey, I am not saying I have suffered like David or Job but I sure have felt like the weight was too heavy to bear these last few days. I clearly and concisely spelled it out to the one closest to me and was not believed. So I have a shell and I come across as a strong person. I am only strong because of the Lord. BUT, HE brought me to my breaking point so that HE COULD REBUILD me the way HE wants me to be! For two days I have sung His praises in spite of these horrible circumstances. HE loves me and that is ALL that matters. He poured His life out for mine. I can do no less! I will do no less.
I will wake up every morning with fresh mercies from above. I will learn to let go and let God. All I ever wanted to do was serve Him and He will make my paths straight and Lead me.
Psalm 89:1"I will sing of the mercy and loving-kindness of the Lord forever; with my mouth will I make known Your faithfulness from generation to generation."
One of my favorite Christian artists right now is Francesca Battistelli. I love this Song called
"My Paper Heart"
Here are the lyrics:
My Paper Heart:
Well I’ve been treated like a valentine
That’s been ripped apart and left behind
I’m a fragile girl
In a crazy careless world
My dreams were torn and scattered on the floor
But You’ve been picking up the pieces, Lord
‘Cause Your love is real
The only hope to heal

My paper heart is Yours now
I have landed in Your hands
Come so far to find out
My life will never be the same
Since you wrote Your name
On my paper heart

I had been so terrified to trust
So many times I’d been reduced to dust
But You keep showing me
You’re the safest place to be
Never knew that I could feel the way I feel
Never knew that there could be a love so real
Never knew that I could feel the way I feel right now

Notice it says "my dreams were scattered..." Oh wow, "My Dreams?" So here I sit typing trying to figure out what My Father's dreams for me are? I want to serve Him. What now Lord? I love you so much. What will you have me do? I am here. I know and feel your love. I am willing. Send me or keep me here----I am your child not my own.

I leave you with a quote from a book my dear friend Ann gave me to read. It's called "A Path through Suffering" by Elisabeth Elliot. She says:
"When Satan the accuser scorns that act of renunciation later and taunts---------"Hypocrite! You didn't mean it! You never really put yourself at HIS disposal or parted company with us at all!"-----------RUN to the foot of the Cross, our safe shelter and abiding place."

Gardening

Yesterday my neighbor from across the street stopped by. We ended up talking about my yard. If it's possible to have multiple passions then I guess I am one of those people. I have every kind of plant known to mankind and then some. I am sure I have plants that haven't even been named yet or even "discovered" growing in my yard! We bought the house we live in largely due to the beautiful yard. It has been a sort of "curse" ever since. (said sarcastically) I was so sick the last three summers or so that no work was done. The weeds took over and let's just say those lovely 3 feet tall Ferns and Coral Bells, to name only a couple were lost under weed upon weed. One day I took out 22 small trees from my small side yard. Yes! 22. Ranging in size from 5 feet to 15 feet. Speaking of trees we have a red bud in a pot. It's about 15 feet tall and it's been dug up and potted for almost two years. Want it? It's yours. My husband "saved it" Waste of time if you ask me!
Lately I have been looking at every plant and saying, "Hmmm, a weed is only a weed if I don't like it" Right? Well, BE GONE Leather Leaf Mahonias and the birds that eat the berries and plop them on my outdoor furniture. I gave my neighbor THREE potted ones yesterday and cut down a 6 foot tall one not too long ago. My husband very much dislikes it when I do stuff like rip out "beautiful" Nandinas and toss them away like trash. Any one want some? I better not! We only have about 20 or more...
I accidentally destroyed my "Bridal Veil Clematis" a week ago. I was heart broken for about a minute then I got over it. It'll come back next year, besides now I have more light in my house and I kinda like that!
If chopping down Lilacs is a sin then I am guilty! If digging up and throwing away 6 Mediterranean Heathers is bad then, ahem, guilty! They were overgrown and about 10 years old anyway! Besides the Lavender and Shasta Daisies look Oh so much better in that spot.
So what does this have to do with my neighbor? I simply said to her "You have to look at my house everyday where do you think I should put these thousands of Stella D'Ora Lilies that need to be moved?" Yes, my Ferns came back and now, no more lilies (at least if I keep the Lilies in that spot.
I was into killing ALL of the Lilies but I suppose my husband is right on this one, they do cost around $6 a piece. I know, I could sell them but it's just too much trouble.
Anyway so guess what I did today? Yup, planted Day Lilies just in front of the Roses and behind my walk-way behind the Salvia and Candy Tuft.
The joke around here is if you see a new plant coming up that you might like don't tell mom! She'll cut it down or kill it. The truth of it is though, Our yard, it's beautiful. While I might make my hubby frustrated at times I'll never forget to remind him how he reacted when he saw the side yard After I took out the 20 plus trees. He loved it. He said he simply could not imagine how lovely it would look. Now what to do with the dozen Oak Leaf Hydrangeas and the Vinca Minor taking over my yard. Hmmm, I learned how to use a chainsaw last week maybe I'll get out that sprayer and buy some chemicals and see about using that thing as well! Just kidding honey, if your reading this!

he DID it AGAIN!

Can you believe it? YES! The enemy came in when I was doing life and tried to destroy my family and marriage. Surprised? Who me? I wish I could say no. But, alas, YES. I did not give the enemy enough credit. Do we ever? Yes God is control but He has given this world over to the enemies schemes. satan prowls around this world seeking to steal, kill, and destroy those whom he may devour. "he" got me out on a limb so to speak and then fired up the chainsaw and I came crashing down along with everything and everyone around me.
I have a beautiful friend praying for me, pursuing me, calling me, and not giving up because she loves Jesus, not just me, but Jesus and she HATES satan and what he is doing to marriages and families. satan wants what God wants. God wants our family. "satan" wants our family. God already has our family BUT if he can destroy our witness and tear us apart by the roots then that's exactly what he will do! Today HIS (GOD's) Mercies are new and I am walking the path He has for me! I am calling in the calvary! Enough of this! I am commanding the enemy to leave. Jesus I am forever yours. Protect our family--our foster children, our marriage, our children in Africa, our biological children etc. Today I am "CHOOSING" to walk in your Grace Lord. It is always ENOUGH!

Today

Who knew? Who knew that this cross of mine to bear would be so hard? Who knew? Jesus knew. He kept himself nailed for my transgressions and sins. Some days all you need is a shoulder to cry on and a friend to listen to you. Today I need you Jesus (my husband) to wrap your loving arms around me and give me the strength to fight the battle I am in with the enemy.
Help me,please,just help me.